AS or Gifted?
My attempt to answer this question and explain the differences between giftedness and Asperger's.
I have never had anyone here formally diagnosed in part because so many Aspie traits can be attributed to other
things and because I think it is detrimental to lump all of their issues together and call it all "Asperger's Syndrome".
Yes, many of the traits of Aspies do overlap with traits common to "normal" gifted people. Since Aspies tend to have high IQ's,
I am very reluctant to attribute all of their issues to "Asperger's". I think I could easily argue that some of their issues are
actually due to their high IQ's and their Aspie traits ONLY compound the problem but do not necessarily directly cause the problem.
I began noting similarities between Emp's (my oldest son) behavior and autism when he was a toddler.
But, at that time, I had not heard that there was a milder form of it called Asperger's Syndrome.
So I did hypothesize from an early age that my son had a mild form of autism.
But I dealt with the vast majority of his issues "symptomatically".
This is a rubric that comes from medicine: if you do not know what is causing the symptoms, you treat each symptom as best you can.
For the most part, I still find that dealing with the symptoms is an effective and reliable means to address many of their issues.
The two big things that calling it "mild autism" or "asperger's" has done for me are: 1) I put them on vitamin therapy.
which did help (it helped Emp the most but both boys benefited and I still use vitamin supplements on both of them when they get too weird on me)
and 2) I came to understand that they think extremely literally. They are not capable of thinking in generalities. They think in specifics.
In the article I learned that from, one Aspie said he knew the names and details of many "ships" (the Lusitania, the Queen Mary, etc) but the concept of
"ship" was nonsensical to him. He could not understand why most people lump all these unique things together like that.
For me, the extremely literal thinking is the trait that cannot be explained as anything other than Asperger's.
The sensory issues, speech problems, poor social skills, etc, can be attributed to other things.
They are all high IQ introverts and that alone will make them prone to being socially awkward.
But the literal thinking explains some of their socially unacceptable behavior that cannot be accounted for by anything else.
Additionally, understanding that they tend to think literally to some degree or another also gives me a means to address a whole host of behaviors
that previously made me wonder if they were TRYING to make me nuts!
Some examples of this: Because they think so literally and specifically and cannot deal with generalities,
they cannot state a generality and leave it at that. If they state a generality, they immediately follow it with every "exception" they can think of.
One example I remember overhearing: "I cannot pick up my brother because he is too heavy. Well, except in the pool where the water helps buoy him up.
And I could pick him up if we were on the moon because the gravity there is less. Etc." This makes normal people batty.
Normal people assume that you didn't mean to imply that you could not lift him on the moon cuz, well, when are you ever going to be on the moon with
your brother? But Aspies make no such assumptions. It is not literally true that "I cannot pick up my brother because he weighs too much."
That is only true in specific situations and they feel compelled to be specific. This trait is probably at its most offensive when they feel
compelled to state every
exception when someone else has stated a generality. It comes across as critical, nit-picky, attacking, etc. when that has nothing to
do with their motivations.
They also have trouble following the kinds of instructions that normal people give because normal people assume things
and imply things and then assume that you will hear what they meant when they never actually said it. Then the Aspie kid gets in
trouble and is in tears saying "But you never SAID..." while mom or dad whigs out and insists they SHOULD have understood what was meant
and that mom and dad should not have to actually SAY x, y, or z. No, in fact you DO have to say exactly, precisely what you mean and not just assume,
imply, etc. State it as explicitly and specifically as possible.
A good practice that comes from marital counseling and the like is to have the other person repeat back to you what they "heard" in their own words.
Then mom or dad can explain further if the kid didn't "hear" what the parent was trying to convey and the parent gets some feedback
on how the child thinks. With practice, you can get better at
speaking in a manner that they find intelligible. Communication is a two way street and the more feedback you can get and give, the better it will get.
This is true regardless of the cause of the communication difficulties.
You can also just explain to an Aspie that stating every exception to a general statement irritates most people.
You may have to remind them a few times but I try to not vilify them for it and to present the fact that this is a
behavior which will irritate a lot of people in neutral terms, as "just information". I think it is wrong to put it all
on the Aspie for "getting along". It takes two. And I think it is prejudice to lump all their traits together and view it all
negatively. This is another reason I have not sought a formal diagnosis. I do not want them stigmatized and dismissed with a
catch-all label. (Which is not a criticism of anyone who has sought professional support and an official diagnosis for what can
be a very trying situation.)
Many Aspie traits definitely have their strengths but Aspies are generally not given any "credit" for the good stuff and are just
vilified for the bad stuff. The very literal thinking that is such a social handicap makes them generally good at science and math
and other things that require logical, analytical, emotionally detached thinking. Additionally, the social strengths that they do
have tend to be under-appreciated and tend to NOT get attributed to all that "bad" Aspie stuff. My husband is a very calm person who
rarely gets angry. He is non-judgmental, even-handed, fair-minded and so on. On the one hand, he infuriates people with the fact that
they cannot get a rise out of him when they are so upset (not just me - he gets the same response in some of the online forums he is in).
On the other hand, he keeps getting asked to moderate political forums and other highly volatile forums because he is so calm, non-reactionary, etc.
No, he isn't the warmest-fuzziest guy you will ever meet. But he has always been my Rock in difficult times, which we have had more than our
fair share of. He has always been the anchor in the storm while I bounced off the walls and cried my eyes out. Yes, I have better "social skills"
and I am more perceptive about people's emotions. So what? He is also career army and I have never met anyone who made a career of the military
who did not wind up more emotionally "reserved" than civilians usually are. Very emotional people find that absolutely essential aspect of
military life toxic and damaging. He came pre-equipped to perform well under pressure and keep his emotions out of the equation when lives
may depend upon it. And where would we all be without all those Nerdy, socially impaired computer professionals? I think it is important
to tell an Aspie what is GOOD about their "typical" traits and not paint it all in negative terms. It isn't as one-sided as the media tends
to portray it.
I am very conservative about using drugs on kids, because their brains are still developing and there are few good studies on how this can
affect their development. Most of the studies I have seen give "bad news" about long-term effects - or even short-term effects -
for behavior-modifying medications. I am even more conservative about using medication on kids who are known to have physiologically
abnormal brains and are also known to be highly prone to weird reactions to food and other environmental exposures (aka "Aspies", among others).
I have to have a compelling reason to do so and I have *not* treated my kids' behavioral issues with medication. I did treat them with vitamin
therapy and good diet, including eliminating problem foods, in order to optimize their mental functioning and support healthy, "normal"
development as much as possible. And that did help. I would encourage you to try to deal with this without drugs initially and see
what kind of progress he makes
through more conservative methods of intervention. I think my refusal to get my kid a formal diagnosis and then let
some "expert" put him on drugs is one of the reasons the outcome has been so positive.
At one point, the school told us to "put him on Ritalin" - not "we are concerned that your child may be ADD and would
like to encourage to get him diagnosed so that he can get the help he needs, if he is ADD". No, their position was
basically "Drug your bratty, bouncy, bored out of his skull PG child so he will sit still in his seat and make our lives easier".
My husband and I were rather hostile in our response to that. Everything I have read, heard anecdotally from other parents,
and personally experienced leads me to believe that the "system" and the experts in it tend to be Hellbent upon forcing these
"square pegs" to fit, regardless of how much the kid has to be whittled away to make them fit.
I completely balked at that whole mindset, attitude, and general approach and my oldest got worse and worse the longer he
was in public school. One day at a meeting with the principle, all of my son's teachers, a counselor and god only knows
who else, I took one look at the geeky, nerdy, reticent, ugly, little boy sitting at that table and completely withdrawn
into himself and vowed right then and there to do whatever it took to get him out of there: This was NOT my child.
My child was a bouncy, happy, energetic, out-going, funny, cute, adorable, little wonder who ran me ragged and had
a zillion questions and I could not get him to shut up. I did not know who this almost mute alien was in this tiny
body that looked so similar to my child. I was horrified. It was like a scene out of one of those movies where
the bad guy/alien/terminator/whatever takes over the body of someone you know. I sort of concluded that my child
had been "body snatched" and it was time for me to snatch
him back. I had no idea how I would do that. I just knew I would - or die trying.
Speaking of "experts" and public school: anecdotally, I have heard over and over that all the
"experts" say these kids need to be in school for the structure, special ed., etc. that can be found there.
In contrast, every *parent* I have spoken with - including some whose kids were in public school and they were
not in a position to do something else - has told me that public school is probably the worst situation for
these kids. Some do well in private schools, with smaller classrooms and other forms of support. But Aspies
tend to experience sensory overload from environments that are not a problem for normal people. The generally
loud, chaotic environment found in most public schools can be quite torturous for these kids. As an aside,
the hand-washing and cleanliness that Sue thought was OCD can be an aspect of sensory issues: the dirt
really bugs them. Other repetitive behaviors can be "scientific experiments" - they are fascinated and are curious as to how
something works and they hope to be able to figure it out by doing it 57 times over the next 10 minutes. Lol.
The parents are often in a much better position to accommodate them at home. For example: My kids have had the same 2
teachers for 5+ years and those two teachers (me and their dad) get better every year at understanding their issues and
how best to address them. In public school, they had a new teacher every year in a class of usually more than 20 students
(and when I was growing up in Georgia, classes tended to be between 30 and 40 students, so I considered my kids' classes to be very small).
I am in a much better position to provide the consistency, one-on-one interaction, and other forms of support that optimizes the outcomes of
such kids. And my kids are thriving.
One last point: I do know that it can be tempting to put these kids in school just to get a break and that sometimes parents
have trouble realizing that "a break" is their real need. Parents sometimes feel guilty about needing and wanting a break from
their kids. And parents of special-needs kids do have legitimate, practical problems finding a workable daycare arrangement.
You cannot leave them with just anybody. But, on top of that very real issue with day care, I have observed that sometimes the
parents are sort of being "neurotic": they know that no one else can do for their kid what they can do and they do not want the
child to suffer and they are afraid to leave them with anyone, even for a short time. But I tell parents that, since these kids
are so very dependent upon your patience and your ability to rise to the occasion consistently, you are doing them and yourself
a disservice to NOT look for a way to get a break. A couple of hours or so with someone else, who will
not be as persnickety and devoted and knowledgeable as you are, really is The Lesser Evil. It is a much bigger problem is
YOU start just losing it. They need you to be as consistent and patient as is humanly possible.
So: Do yourself, your marriage, and your special-needs kid(s) a big favor: try to get away from them for an hour
or two once a week - with your spouse if you can, but leave the kids with him if there is no other option.
My husband was often the only "babysitter" I could call upon, in part because his military career meant that we were far from family
and I couldn't have the same babysitter for very long before either they moved or we moved.
The worst was when my husband would go to the field for several weeks at a time. I was so stressed out that when my Aspie, "social retard" of a husband came home from the field, the very first thing he did was to throw me out of the house - banish me and insist I not come back for a minimum of two hours and, while he was physically pushing me out the front door, verbally reassure me that the kids really and truly would survive without me for a few hours. We did not have a lot of money and I sometimes just went to the library by myself and
did not spend a dime. Once, I parked someplace in a quiet, remote area -- and the cops stopped by to find out what I was up to! lol. I explained the situation and they had a good laugh.
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Asperger's Syndrome: A Working Hypothesis
- Giftedness
- Personality Type
- Sensory Issues
- Compounding (Biomedical) Factors
- Eccentric Geniuses
- The Big Disconnect
- Socially Deaf
- Time Blind
- Rapid Brain Growth and Vitamin Deficiencies
- Different Minds
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