On "Manners"
My Brilliant, but almost accidental, strategy for how to raise a child who doesn't "swear like a sailor" in spite of being raised by Me -- and my ramblings, deep thoughts and pontifications as to why it worked so astonishingly well.
When Tigger was 2 years old and began to repeat everything I said, I still, um, 'swore like a sailor'. The first time I heard that kind of language coming out of the mouth of my baby, I realized I had a serious conundrum on my hands:
He was 2 years old. Therefore, it was his job to repeat everything I said, that was how he was learning to speak. It would be completely unreasonable to expect him to just know which words he was not supposed to use. So, I could not expect him to selectively repeat what mom said. That kind of selectivity was beyond a 2 year old. I felt it was my job, as the adult, to make such judgment calls. Additionally, I felt it would be abusive to punish him for saying 'bad words' when he had no idea they were 'bad'. Nor was I likely to be able to transform my language overnight to the kind of language I wanted to model for my toddler.
I didn't think about this for long. Maybe 5 minutes. I then turned to my child and said what is probably the most brilliant stroke of genius of my entire parenting career: "You know, that is a bad word and I shouldn't say it either. I will let you know which words are bad. And when you forget, I will remind you to not use them and, when I forget, you can remind me to not use them." Tigger has never had any desire whatsoever to take up cursing and has made enormous efforts to clean up my foul mouth, as well as a considerable amount of progress towards actually making me a publicly presentable semblance of a human being (and also enlisted the aid of his younger brother in this campaign).
My quickly formulated, off-the-cuff policy was so wildly successful that I have thought a lot over the years about why it worked so well. And here are some of my conclusions:
When a child is told that he cannot cuss but adults can, he does not learn that cussing is 'rude'. He learns that he is oppressed and powerless and that cussing is a symbol of having power. Therefore, cussing is 'status-y' and something to be aspired to. When he gets old enough and big enough to swear like a sailor, the more foul his mouth, the more macho he feels. Defying the rules and cussing 'early' (before age 18, when he is officially an adult) is about trying to seize power.
He also learns that only chumps and victims follow the rules. The rules only apply to the oppressed, the powerless, the wimps and losers of the world. No one who is anyone actually follows rules of 'etiquette'. So, when adults expect kids to meet a higher standard of 'manners' than they expect to have to follow, they are not really valuing manners, they are really performing an act of tyranny, which announces that: "I make the rules, I don't have to follow them."
In fact, I recently attended a business seminar where I was told that if you want your employees to follow the rules, you cannot violate them yourself. No, you have to be much stricter about following the rules than you expect your employees to be. If the rules do not apply to the boss, then they aren't really that important to the business, they are merely a means to control the oppressed low-level employees -- who will then have no respect for the rules and downright resent them.
By telling Tigger that A) these rules applied equally to me and B) he was allowed to demand that I behave and follow the rules, I communicated that good language was important and was not about being obedient and oppressed but was, instead, about good behavior -- about treating people with respect -- and it was something all people should be able to expect from others: even little kids.
Additionally, since cussing was not an exercise of power -- but reprimanding mom for her foul mouth was an exercise of power -- it was far cooler to boss me around than to aspire to have as foul a mouth as I had. Why on earth would he wish to now lower his standard and emulate his defective and pathetic mother who cannot manage to follow the rules of etiquette that he mastered so well at the tender age of two? I mean, really! -- that would be lowering himself to my level, not raising himself to my level!
So, I have come to firmly believe that anyone who genuinely thinks etiquette is important should hold themselves to the same standard to which they wish to hold others -- or hold themselves to a higher standard than they expect of others. If they do not feel compelled to meet such standards but get incensed and self-righteous about others 'mistreating' them by their lack of manners, they do not actually value good social graces. No, what they actually want is to set themselves above others as deserving better treatment than they feel obligated to give in return. (And I realize they may not think of it that way and may be doing this totally on 'autopilot', but that is what it communicates about them.)
With the utmost Respect,
Michele
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When Kids Misbehave New!
Lessons Learned Online
My Priorities
Discipline
Redwoods and Gazelles
Quotes
2xE Links
Gifts of Another Kind
Massage as a Metaphor
On Manners
An Open Palm...
When One Door Closes...
Pack Your Sense of Humor
Pale Skin Disorder
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