Gifts of Another Kind Thoughts on Reframing The Problem
I have two gifted/learning-disabled children. My oldest (Tigger) is more 'special' than my youngest and was always tons of work to deal with. He is one of these scatter-brained kids that falls apart if you move things because he can never find them again. This is so stereotypical of learning-disabled kids that, for a long time, I really had a negative attitude about it and saw it as a stigma. I recently realized why it is a crisis for him when I move things and it totally changed my perspective on things: He is profoundly gifted and his mind is always going a mile a minute. He is also a kinesthetic learner and relies a lot on muscle memory to get him through dull, boring, routine, day-to-day stuff. Which means that he doesn't actually think about a lot of these day-to-day routines. He does it on autopilot, relying totally on muscle memory to get him through. That is why it is such a crisis when I move things: it disrupts his routine and he has to think about things that bore him to tears AND he has to unlearn his routine and relearn a new routine.
This is not a disability: it is his unique way of doing things. Once I learned to respect his routines as a valid way of getting things done, life changed. I realized that he is extremely efficient at getting his chores done, as long as I don't ask that he change the way they are done. And I realized this is not that different from the routines that all normal people develop. He just takes it to an extreme degree. (I guess you could say he is more efficient/gifted at having routines work for him.) I know *I* can't find my glasses if I put them down somewhere 'different' from the handful of places I normally put them. And I developed this habit consciously because I didn't begin wearing glasses until I was 16 and I misplaced them a lot the first couple of years.
Tigger was diagnosed with a serious medical disorder in 2001 at the age of 14. He was prescribed a long list of medications and medical apparatus that must be used daily. All of his medical stuff ended up on the coffee table and I just left it there at first because I didn't want to disrupt his routine. It was more important that he take care of himself than that my living room be neat and uncluttered. And he is extremely reliable about going through his daily routine without being reminded. This is a really huge and serious responsibility but he has it down pat because I respect his unique way of applying his strengths (his fantastic muscle memory and reliance on visual cues). To my way of thinking, it is really important to teach *him* to take care of his medical routine so that he can do it when he grows up and moves out. And I am extremely proud of him.
After about 4 months of having everything all over the coffee table, I bought a little square basket to put his medical stuff in. All of his medical stuff is still in the living room. He can still see it because the basket has no lid. But I no longer feel like the place is 'trashed', and, within certain parameters, I can move the basket when we need to rearrange furniture. (It is no longer on the coffee table and hasn't been in a long time.) It does have to stay within a few feet of its original position. (And there are other specific criteria about where it can go.) But the basket itself is now the visual cue. Whenever we move, he will be able to maintain his routine and keep himself healthy because I now understand why he does things a certain way and how that is a brilliant strategy that maximizes his strengths and minimizes his weaknesses. And I finally feel like we can accommodate each other and co-exist happily rather than me sacrificing my sanity (clutter makes me crazy) to accommodate him.
This culmination of events, which was many years in the coming, has been so freeing and empowering that I actually went away to school for a month without my kids while my husband did the single-parent routine. I just returned Monday and this weekend I go back, with kids in tow, to complete the second month of this intensive summer program. I have never before left my children. I couldn't. I was the only one that could take care of them. But, the combination of proper medical diagnosis (at long last), age (I have two adolescents these days, they aren't that little anymore), and learning to appreciate my son's unique strengths for what they are rather than judging his uniqueness as 'defective' has freed up him and everyone else in the family. After 15 years of being a full-time, stay-at-home mom who couldn't possibly hold down a job while raising these special kids, I am working towards launching a career. My extra-special child is no longer a horrible burden and I no longer fear that neither of us will ever 'get a life'. I did have to work on remediating him, etc., when we pulled him out of public school. But it has all paid off.
I thought it might be helpful as a glimpse into a possible future for those still struggling with very young extra-special children. Love them for who they are. Teach them to cope with and compensate for the downside of their unique characteristics and appreciate the upside. And when people marvel at how patient you are, you can tell them it was this special child's gift to you. (That's what I do.) Tigger's birthday is very close to mine and I have always told him he was a surprise birthday present from God. And, he no longer feels bad about being different.
Michele, Summer 2002
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My Priorities
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Gifts of Another Kind
Massage as a Metaphor
On Manners
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When One Door Closes...
Pack Your Sense of Humor
Pale Skin Disorder
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